


I Want You.

by lizibabes



Series: Angst Bingo [14]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M, Swearing, sex., talk of past rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-26
Updated: 2012-02-26
Packaged: 2017-10-31 18:56:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/347327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizibabes/pseuds/lizibabes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the prompt rape for angst Bingo, for secrecy Kinkbingo, Non-con for 50kinkyways, love for 50 reasons to have sex fic fest and #44 sweet nothings for smut_69. When Tommy asks to talk to him Adam thinks they might be having a talk about the fact they are together, but not together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want You.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: I_glitterz  
> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters in this story and as far as I’m aware this never happened.  
> Dark fic. No graphic details of rape. Non-con is not between the main characters.

He'd sworn he'd never fall for another straight boy again, but then he met Tommy and he was crushing on him minutes into the audition. He fell in love sometime during the first tour; he's not sure when though. He'd been talking to Tommy and it had just hit him. He hadn't told Tommy, hadn't thought there was any point, so he kept it a secret. Till they started kissing off stage; three times after shows, four times at parties when they'd been drinking and he starts to think maybe he should end all the secrecy. He'd never actually seen Tommy with a girl, so he started to think maybe Tommy's interests lay elsewhere, but whenever he brought it up, Tommy refused to talk about it. When they weren't kissing, he acted like they were just really close friends.  
　  
So when on the first hotel night of the second tour Tommy asks if they can talk in Adam's room, instead of going out with the others, he's hopeful that he might finally get some answers about why Tommy's always blowing hot and cold, finally leave all the secrecy behind. What he doesn't expect is for Tommy to push him against the door the second they get to his room. Before he can even ask why Tommy is shoving him, Tommy's pressed against his body, kissing Adam, hard and demanding. It's all most instinct to respond, to kiss back, let Tommy’s tongue into his mouth. But when he puts his arms around Tommy, he can feel how tense he is, every muscle taunt, his body ridged, not matching the way he's kissing Adam at all. Something is wrong and as much as he loves being kissed by Tommy, he can't do this. So he slows the kiss down and brings it to a gradual stop. Tommy's looking at him wide eyed, he doesn't really look turned on, more confused and maybe a little afraid.  
　  
"Baby, what was that?" Adam asks softly.  
　  
"A kiss. I thought, I thought you wanted me? You kept kissing me, was I wrong?" Tommy asks, pulling away from Adam. He's used to Tommy being so laid back that seeing him this agitated messes with Adam's head, it's not right.  
　  
"I do want you Tommy, but you were so tense in my arms, it didn't feel like you wanted it." Adam sighs, walking over to his bed so that he can sit on the edge, just watching Tommy pace makes him feel tired.  
　  
"I wanted it." Tommy argues.  
　  
"Honey, are you even gay? Or Bi? Have you ever been with a man?" Adam asks and Tommy freezes, looking anywhere but at Adam.  
　  
"Bi, I guess." Tommy mutters.  
　  
"You guess?" Adam repeats and Tommy doesn't say a thing, just stands there, biting at his thumb nail, even though it's painted black.  
　  
"Come sit with me, please?" Adam asks and Tommy shuffles over obediently, sits down next to him, but not touching.  
　  
"Up front and honest, I'm kind of in love with you. So if you’re experimenting or curious, I'm not really sure I'm the guy for you." Adam sighs. He's such a fool, always wanting what he can't have.  
　  
"You love me?" Tommy asks.  
　  
"For a long time, baby." Adam shrugs.  
　  
"Oh, good." Tommy says softly.  
　  
"Good? It doesn't bother you?" Adam's surprised, if Tommy is just curious, he should be freaked out by Adam loving him.  
　  
"Yeah, I mean it doesn't bother me, because I love you and if you love me, I, I can trust you not to hurt me." Tommy shrugs.  
　  
"Why would I hurt you if I didn't love you?" As excited as he is at the idea of Tommy loving him, there is something very wrong with what Tommy just said.  
　  
"I, dunno, forget I said it." Tommy says softly.  
　  
"What is with you and your need to keep everything a secret? It's always secrecy with you." Adam sighs.  
　  
"I love you, you love me. Why can't we leave it at that? If you want me, you can have me." Tommy says and Adam can tell he's offering sex, but his body is still, almost defensive, not at all like someone who actually wants to have sex.  
　  
"Why do you have to keep being so secretive? If you love me, why do you need secrecy?" Adam asks, he wants Tommy so much, but not if it's not real; he needs to know what's going on with Tommy.  
　  
"Please, don't make me tell you." Tommy groans.  
　  
"So there is something to tell?" Adam asks.  
　  
"Yes." Tommy sighs.  
　  
"I don't want to force you and I won't make you. But I'd really like you to tell me. I want to be with you. I want a life with you and I'd just not start it off like this, with secrets between us." He's always told Tommy everything, apart from the way he feels about him and he's done that as well now.  
　  
"I've always known I liked both, that I was Bi. But I've not had a boyfriend in years." Tommy says softly and Adam reaches out, takes Tommy's hand, suddenly feeling scared about what Tommy has to tell him.  
　  
"Bad break up?" Adam asks, hoping that it's something that simple.  
　  
"I was eighteen. He was older, I knew his sister from school and he'd been in Lisa's class before he went to college. I thought he was same, I thought I as good as knew him. He took me to a bar one night and he knew the bouncer so I got in. I felt so grown up." Tommy laughs, but it sounds hollow and Adam holds on to Tommy's hand tighter. His first time with a man wasn't perfect, few first times are, but he has a feeling Tommy's first time with a man went far worse than his had.  
　  
"I didn't really like beer back then, but I didn't want him to think I was a stupid kid. He was cool and older you know? I wasn't drunk, but I felt weird, so I stopped drinking. He kept trying to get me to drink more and got kind of mad when I wouldn't. I stormed out and he followed me, I was so dizzy, I just wanted to go home." Tommy says softly, staring at his lap and Adam knows that Tommy's secrecy about being Bi had nothing to do with not wanting to admit he liked men. It sounds like he might have even been out in the past.  
　  
"Did he spike your drink?" Adam asks, hoping that is it, the whole secret.  
　  
"Yeah, but I didn't drink enough. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I had, then I wouldn't have to remember so much of it, but instead I've never been able to forget that night." Tommy's voice sounds rough, like he's fighting to get the words out and Adam feels like he's being stabbed in the heart, all he can think is please, no, not Tommy.  
　  
"He pushed me into the ally behind the bar, kissed me. I pushed him away, said I wanted to go home and he called me a cock tease. Said I went around begging for it, but was too chicken to give it up for a real man." Tommy sounds so empty as he talks, but not detached. Adam's not sure if someone could ever just separate themselves from something as painful as that.  
　  
"He raped me. I wasn't a virgin, but he didn't exactly prep me, just took what he wanted. Offered to give me a ride home after, like nothing had happened. I wouldn't get in the car, so he just left me there. One of the waitresses found me when she was taking out the trash, called an ambulance." Tommy says quietly, but every word packs the power of a punch.  
　  
"Is it okay if I hug you?" Adam asks, because he doesn't want to touch Tommy if he doesn't want that right now, but his body aches with the need to hold Tommy close, try and offer the only comfort he can. He'd never imagined this when he'd noticed the secrecy around Tommy's sexuality, why he would kiss Adam, but refuse to talk about it. Tommy nods and Adam wraps an arm around him the second he does, pulling Tommy slight body closer. It all makes too much sense now, the way Tommy had fought against being pretty, tried to bulk up, get stronger, he was trying to protect himself.  
　  
"Did you report it?" Adam asks, resting his chin on Tommy's head.  
　  
"Yeah and they talked to him, he said it was consensual and they said it was my word against his. Even though he beat the shit out of me, they said people would argue that it was rough sex. Because I was Bi and because we were on a date, they said no one would believe that it was non-consensual. Said everyone would think I was lying, they thought I was lying.” Tommy whispers, his arms finally leaving his lap and wrapping around Adam.  
　  
"Those bastards. Fuck Tommy, like you hadn't been through enough, I'm so sorry." Adam's heard like a lot of people, that male rape goes largely unreported and he can see why, if that's how the police react to a victim.  
　  
"They ate their words though." Tommy sighs.  
　  
"Please tell me he didn't hurt you again." If he did, he will personally go tear the guy limb from limb and every cop who called Tommy a liar along with him.  
　  
"No, he tried to attack another boy. Didn't know the kid’s dad was coming home from a hunting trip. He walked in, heard his boy yelling no and stop, ran to the bedroom and shot the fucker. He died before he got to rape anybody else and everyone was real sorry about calling me a liar after that. But it didn't change the fact that they did and it didn't change what he did. My parents sent me to therapy and it helped, but I could never trust a guy enough to try and be with them, not till you." Tommy tells him calmly and Adam has never been gladder to hear that someone is dead. He's not a vengeful person, but a man like that, he deserved everything he got. For all the pain he caused others, he deserved to suffer.  
　  
"You trust me?" Adam says quietly.  
　  
"With my life. I knew even without knowing what I was keeping secret you'd never rush me or hurt me. I fell for you and it took me a long time to get my head around being with a man again. I haven't since the rape and I'd only done it once before I was raped. So I only have two experiences of anal sex, one consensual, the other non-consensual, that and a hand full of blowjobs and handjobs." Tommy shrugs lightly.  
　  
"I would never hurt you and we don't have to have sex to be together. I love you, I want to be with you even if we can't have that." Adam says firmly and it's true, he'd rather have Tommy and never have sex again than have sex and not be with Tommy.  
　  
"I want too, I want to have sex with you. I really do, but I try and do stuff and I end up thinking about the rape. I don't want to think of that when I'm with you." Tommy groans.  
　  
"Would it help if we made it different, like the position, nothing the same as it was?" Adam asks.  
　  
"I'd, I think it might help if you talked to me? Like a lot, the whole time. I don't just want to have sex with you to get over what happened. I want to have sex with you because I love you and I want to be able to have sex with the man I love, I should get to have that." Tommy sighs.  
　  
"I can talk, when we try, I'll talk to you and I'd stop if you wanted me to. But you don't have to rush, having you love me is more than enough. If we end up having sex, that's just a bonus." Adam loves sex, but he means it, he doesn't care if he ends up jerking off in the secrecy and privacy of the shower for the rest of his life, it won't matter. Being with his soul mate, a man who has always seemed perfect to him, means more to him that sex ever will.  
　  
"What if I want to try now?" Tommy asks.  
　  
"Tommy, baby, are you sure? You don't need to rush into anything, I want to be with you forever, for the rest of my life, so we have time." He doesn't want Tommy to feel like he needs to rush for Adam's sake.  
　  
"I like that, when you sweet talk me, baby and all that stuff. He didn't say stuff like that to me. I'm done waiting, I let him taint over ten years of my life. I gave him that power over me even though he's dead. I want to take it back. I want you to help me." Tommy says, sounding a little shy, but determined at the same time and Adam can't say no. If they fail, they'll just try again, he'd not a quitter, won't run off the second things get hard.  
　  
"Was I, I shouldn't ask, but was the kiss at the AMA's the first?" Adam asks softly.  
　  
"It was the first time I was kissed by a man since the rape. It didn't scare me, even though I didn't expect it, because I already trusted you to never hurt me." Tommy smiles softly.  
　  
"I still shouldn't have done it without asking." Adam sighs, he hadn't known Tommy's secret, but he's glad he didn't scare him though. He never wants to scare Tommy.  
　  
"Ask me now." Tommy orders.  
　  
"Can I kiss you, baby?" Adam asks without hesitation.  
　  
"Yes, please." Tommy nods and Adam kisses him gently, slowly coaxing it into something deeper. Tommy moves back onto the bed, dragging Adam with him by the front of his shirt.  
　  
"I have never wanted anyone more than I want you." Tommy tells him as Adam braces his body above Tommy's.  
　  
"You’re so beautiful, I can't believe you’re real." Whispering sweet nothings to Tommy won't be a hard task, it'll just be saying all the things he has ever wanted to say, but couldn't as a friend, but he can as a lover.  
　  
"I love you so much." Adam says softly, starting to open the buttons on Tommy's shirt. He keeps telling Tommy how beautiful he is and he hopes Tommy believes him, because Adam means every word, every compliment, every sweet word that he breathes into Tommy's skin as he undresses them both.  
　  
"I'll never get tired of seeing you like this and feeling you under me, so perfect Tommy Joe, like you were made for me." He says, one hand gripping Tommy's cock, jacking it, pleased to feel Tommy hard, proof that he's enjoying Adam's touch, not just putting on a brave face.  
　  
"More, please Adam, want to feel you, inside me, please." Tommy begs.  
　  
"Okay baby, shhh, I'll take care of both of us." Adam gets the lube and condoms he has out of his bag, puts a pillow under Tommy's hips, telling him how gorgeous he is and how much Adam wants him.  
　  
He goes slow on the prep, making sure Tommy is completely comfortable; he doesn't want Tommy to feel even a twinge of pain, just pleasure and he slowly works his way up to three fingers.  
　  
"You look so good, Tommy, so tight around my fingers, you’re going to feel so amazing." Adam's always been a talker during sex and the sweet nothings come out so easily when Tommy's the one naked beneath him.  
　  
"Adam." Tommy moans.  
　  
"Yes, baby?" Adam says quietly, rubbing the pads of his fingers against Tommy's prostate, making his squirm.  
　  
"I'm ready, please, I want you, stop teasing me." Tommy whimpers. And Adam cannot deny him anything, so he rolls on the condom and slicks his dick up. He watches Tommy's wide brown eyes for signs of fear, but as Adam starts pushing into him, all he can see is need.  
　  
"So good Tommy, you feel so good." Adam groans, Tommy is tight and warm around his cock, but he doesn't thrust. Even though sex is about both people’s pleasure, right now, it's all about Tommy, because unless he likes it, Adam won't enjoy it. He wants sex to be something Tommy craves, not fears.  
　  
"Mmm feels good, more, please." Tommy whimpers and Adam pulls out slowly and thrusts in gently and Tommy's moans sound sweeter than any words ever can to his ears.  
　  
"I love you so much." Adam moans as he starts moving faster, Tommy clutching to him, whispering 'more' 'faster' 'harder’. He gives Tommy everything he asks for, everything he wants and when Tommy's breath hitches, body tensing as he gets close, Adam makes sure to angle his thrusts to hit Tommy's prostate every time.  
　  
"So beautiful." Adam murmurs and then Tommy is coming, eyes fluttering shut as his come spills between them without either of them touching his dick.  
　  
"Adam." Tommy moans and he speeds up his thrusts a little, sure now that he won't scare Tommy, that the past won't ruin this moment between them. His orgasm hits while Tommy is sucking the delicate skin behind his ear and it turns Adam's bones to mush. He keeps repeating the same thing over and over as he comes 'I love you', and he means it every single time.  
　  
He rolls off Tommy quickly, not wanting to squish him, but he lays down beside him and pulls him close so that Tommy knows he isn't leaving, neither of them moving till their come starts to cool and Adam takes care of the condom while Tommy goes and gets a damp cloth to clean them both off. Tommy doesn't have any of his own clothes to put on in Adam's room, so he lends Tommy some pyjama pants. He has to roll up the legs and tie the waist as tight as it'll go, but it'll work. They climb back into bed and Tommy snuggles close, resting his head on Adam's chest, his hair soft against Adam's bare chest.  
　  
"Did you mean all that stuff or were you just talking sweet because I asked you to?" Tommy asks softly, worming cold fingers under Adam's arm to warm them up.  
　  
"I meant every word. I'd never lie to you." Adam says firmly, stroking his hand up and down Tommy's back.  
　  
"So you really think I'm beautiful?" Tommy asks.  
　  
"The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen." And he means it. He'll never lie to Tommy. He doesn't want secrecy and lies between them and if he expects honesty from Tommy, he needs to be willing to give the same back and he is, because he loves Tommy and he isn't a hard man to love at all.  
　  
The End.


End file.
